What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 08:33
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When she asked me how she looked .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
What does it mean if someone asks if it’s pink?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
(And it was in our own minds.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We all went to grammer schools
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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She wouldn,t have been !
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot live in the past .
Does being poor build better character than being born rich?
I write beautiful poetry .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
What did i know ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It was going to be , some day.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My life is so biszare .
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was very sick at this time too.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She married twice! .
I don,t even have a pension.
I think the readers, may guess!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Would this be the day?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is soul school!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it wasn’t much.
So, i spoilt her more .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I have no regrets .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Put me off passion for life!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I waited trembling.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He resisted the act ,that day.
She loved him until the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I said to her
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ive learnt so much.
Im still living with it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I will be 64.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i lived it daily.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was seconnd youngest,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.